the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Terrible idea I love it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
