I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
