So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
