I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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