I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
