Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
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