went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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