my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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