one might say we're banned from that church
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
