GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
