I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We need to get me chipped asap
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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