By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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