Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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