Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
