apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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