there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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