Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
