I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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