so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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