Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
