Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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