My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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