i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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