She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
