how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
