Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
