1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Holy shit dude........stairs
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
