last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
