You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
