This is not my ceiling
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
