Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
