I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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