I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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