Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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