Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
