I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
