I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
