highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
