Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
birth control should be required to get into college
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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