I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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