im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
