Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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