Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
