Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
