you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
