Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
