I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
