I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
