I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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