Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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