the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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