so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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