have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
