I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
